Why do women love jerks? 1. Cocaine 2. Alcohol 3. Money 4. Celebrity 5. Power 6. Muscles 7. Revenge…

1. Cocaine

(…) 2. Alcohol

Now, the first thing that came up when I googled “drunk girls” was website after website of porn that we would never look at because those drunk girls are totally screwing around with jerks, right?

Somewhere in there, there is a really nice girl, I’m sure. The sad fact is that most of the girls you see downtown at the clubs act like drunken Tara and are walking around with muscle bound douche-bags. Now, I admit, being drunk makes ME much more suave and charming and totally clear headed when it comes to picking out “Mrs. Right” but it seems to have the opposite effect on women.

3. Money

Do you really need me to explain this one? I didn’t think so.

4. Celebrity

(…) 5. Power

God there is so much here. I mean, Sen. John Edwards has an affair while his wife has cancer, Clinton is smoking cigars with interns (he was smoking them, right?) while he’s married, and JFK, oh JFK…I mean Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe…you dog, you. Now, I’m not saying these guys are bad americans and I’m not saying they are bad politicians. Hell they were/are GREAT politicians and JFK and Slick Willy were great fucking presidents as far as I’m concerned. Let’s face it though - let’s man up. Adultery is a choice and it kind of makes you a jerk.

(…) 6. Muscles/Hot Bod

Alcohol and muscles are a deadly combination, but sometimes just a hot body alone with a jerk personality can sway that special girl into sensual submission.

Well, sometimes at least.

7. Revenge

Now here is a totally sweet reason for dating jerks that us wimpy nerds just love. The chick is out for blood. From the girl seeking revenge in “I Spit on Your Grave” to Delilah trying to ruin Samson by cutting off his hair to Judith cutting off Holofernes head women have been seducing and murdering dudes since, well since Eve gave the apple to Adam.

(…) Finally, I want to say there is hope. If you can stand up to that abusive jerk and tell him to back off then the girl may just love you. Or she may just be thankful and be on her way. Or she may go right back to him. Remember Bran in Goonies? Or the Karate Kid? I have hope and I have faith.